So a lot has been happening since I've last updated. >< I can't believe its been this long. God how times does fly. *sighs* Oh well though, not much I can really do about it. I can honestly say though, that I miss the people back in Mass so much its not even funny. I'm so homesick that I think I'm becoming sick in actuality.

I've been trying my best lately to get over a lot of the tragedies that have struck me down and somehow I manage to upkeep two blogs. Heh, how amazing I am. Not really.

Right now I can hear Utada Hikaru singing I Love You somewhere in the house and I wish that I had someone to sing that to still. I'll always love Rick but I don't know about being with him anymore. Honestly, I feel I can come clean on this because he doesn't really read it. And somehow I know that he's probably moved on, I wasn't all that important to him anyway, was I? I loved him more than words and still do, but I don't know anymore.

I feel so lost, like I'm stuck in the middle of a white room with no walls but you know you cant get out. It's kinda sad really, I wish I had someone to cling to but I don't know that I do. I dont really have anyone here in FL to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay other than Kayla and I know that she depends on me more than I depend on her. She's stronger than me though and so is Michelle. They both could go on without me, but I couldn't bear leaving them by themselves with no one there. I love them too much to do something that harsh.

So uhm yeah. It hasn't been that great of a week but I'm still living. I'm sure that counts somewhere. I've made a mental prayer to the Goddess that she may keep me safe and strong from those who wish to bring me down and cause me nothing but pain. I don't know if it's working, but I believe none-the-less.

I guess in a way I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I seem to be heading down a road of self-destruction guided by those who say that they only want the best for me. So I've decided to completely disreguard them and their whole beliefs and just carry on with my life as I know I should. Save for one minor detail.

Okay it's not really that minor..... more like major.

A major disaster has happened. I was caught still talking to you-know-who (Jebus.. if that didn't sound Harry Potter enough.. ) and so I'm now under harsh scrutiny because of it. Not that I can blame them or anything. It's all good but I still want that freedom that I've been striving for though now it seems a million miles away. Almost like a bright light in the horizon that you try to reach but no matter how far and fast you run it keeps eluding your fingers.

I'm lucky enough to say that I still have my sanity. MuiMui... what would I do without you? Even though I haven't been able to catch you on the phone  since they took that away too... I still know that you're with me. I trust you ultimately and I know it is recipricol.  I know that if you weren't here I'd have been dead a long time ago. I also wouldn't have realized my passion for life and the stranger things that I'm into. I am truly grateful to have a baby sister like you.

I love without qualms and without hesitation. So why now, after years of being beaten down, having my hopes crushed with some simple words, and the degrading that I have endured do I now start to doubt? Why are these 'What if...' questions fleeing across that arc that I had bound in stone? It makes no sense I know, but I can only hope that these questions will fade away and die in the future. Leaving me to have the happiness that I know I deserve.

I stole this from Ann's page. x.x   lol She'll forgive me I'm sure.

FIRSTS
First break-up: Goddess, I can't remember.
First screenname: jm10288
First self purchased album: Toxicity by System of a Down 
First funeral: My Uncle Ramdeo RIP
First piercing/tattoo: Ears
First true love: My one and only love Ricardo 

LASTS
Last car ride: About 5 minutes ago to the post office
Last kiss: Dunno
Last good cry: A long time ago..
Last library book: Homosexuality: A Current Controversy Book
Last movie seen (in theater): Unleashed
Last beverage drank: KoolAid Jammer
Last food consumed: Peice of cake
Last phone call: My mom
Last Time Showered: This morning
Last shoes worn: Nike Cortez Basics
Last item bought: Money order and a stamp
Last annoyance: My little sister Shari *kicks*
Last time wanting to die: A couple of months
Last time scolded: The day before yesterday

RELATIONSHIPS
Who are your best friends?: Michelle Lau, Kayla Cortes, Rachel Grafton, Ann Jiang, and anyone else I forgot
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yes
Do you do drugs?: Not recently
What kind of shampoo do you use?: Suave Naturals Lavender
What are you most scared of?: Dying Alone.
What are you listening to right now?: Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where do you want to get married?: In a field in Boston
What would you change about yourself?: My height and breast size.

FAVORITES
Color: Black
Food: Chicken Teriyaki from Sakuya Japan
Boy name: Miroku
Girl name: Kikyo
Subjects in school: Web Design *sigh*
Animals: White Bengal Tiger and Black Panther
Sports: Rugby and Volleyball
Perfume: Cool Water

HAVE YOU EVER
Given anyone a bath?: Yes
Bungee jumped?: No.
Skinny dipped?: No, but I want to.
Ever been in love?: Yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No.
Pictured your crush naked?: All the time
Actually seen your crush naked?: Yeppers
Lied?: I'm an accompliushed liar
Fallen for a close friend?: Yeah x.x
Been rejected?: I'm used to it.
Rejected someone?: Tons of times.
Used someone?: Maybe.
Done something you regret?: No, because everything happens for a reason

CURRENT
Clothes: Low riding jeans, red tanktop, and Nike Cortez. No socks XD
Music: Gwen Stefani - Holla Back Girl
Annoyance: None
Smell: My watermelon lipgloss XD
Favorite band/artist: A Perfect Circle / Gackt
Desktop picture: Camui Gackt
DVD in player: Chinese Connection

LAST PERSON
You touched: My mom. I poked her tummy
Hugged: My dad
You imed: Michelle Celio
Imed you: Michelle Celio
Called you: My Mom
You called: Manny Guzman
Bought you flowers: My dad

WHO DO YOU WANNA
Kill: Melanie Griffith for stealing Antonio!
Slap: My sister Shari
Kiss: Mike Miller

WHICH IS BETTER
Coke or pepsi: Coke
Flowers or candy: Flowers
Tall or short: Medium

RANDOM
In the morning I am: Sleepy
All I need is: A computer
You dream of: Ricardo
Last person you danced with: This random guy in Tennessee
Worst question to ask: Would you stick your sword in my cat?
Who makes you laugh the most: Mui Mui, Rick, and Kayla
Who has a crush on you: Phillip Robinson, Alberto Colon, Sarek Kirby, Anthony Rivera, and Eduardo Rivera.

DO YOU EVER
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Sometimes.
Wish you were younger: No.

NUMBER
Of times I have had my heart broken: Bunches
Of hearts I have broken: Oh goodness... I dont know
Of guys I've kissed: I lost count ><
Of continents I have lived in: Just One.

Heh, well I decided I wanted to update my Xanga instead of my LiveJournal for the sole reason that I simply felt like it

I dont know why, but yeah. I felt like it. Though I think it may have something to do with the whole background music thing. Its cute.

It funny though, I'm not attached to the song, I just like it. It's cute. I was thinking of changing it to Lovely because that is so much more beautiful and sad. I've just been in that mood lately

But its not like I dont know why....